The Royal Family

Japan: Oh, congratulations by the way.

Me: What? Why?

Japan: The baby.

Me: The baby? What baby?

Japan: The Royal Baby. George. The new member of your Royal family. Your future King.

Me: Oh, that, yeah. I don’t care.

Japan: What? Why not? You’re English.

Me: That’s exactly why I don’t care. It’s no big deal. It’s not my family. Not my baby. Not even a friend of a friend’s baby. Why do you care about it anyway?

Japan: Because it’s the British Royal family.

Me: But you’ve got a Royal family. Why don’t you gossip about them?

Japan: Well, they’re a bit boring to be honest.

Me: Boring? How can a Royal family be boring? Don’t they sunbathe topless in the Mediterranean?

Japan: Er, no.

Me: Do they dress up as Nazis?

Japan: Nope.

Me: Do they go to war?

Japan: Nah.

Me: Do they land helicopters in gardens.

Japan: No, no, no.

Me: Do they say racially and socially inappropriate things and think absolutely nothing of it?

Japan: No, that’s what my politicians do.

Me: Don’t they have weddings, parties and anniversaries that cost the GDP of a small impoverished country?

Japan: No.

Me: Well, do they at least always wear an expression of bored confusion and mild indifference?

Japan: Not really.

Me: Well, this is your problem then.

Japan: It’s not a problem. I actually –

Me: If you want the whole world to rubber neck your entire nation for a couple of days every now and then you really need the Crown Prince to do something newsworthy.

Japan: I don’t. I quite like having Emperor Akihito as the “symbol of the state and the unity of the people” as stated in my constitution. It keeps them out of the politics of the country, out of the limelight and more modest and respectful.

Me: “Symbol of the state”? Don’t you mean “Head of State”?

Japan: Ha! No. Imagine that; an unelected grandparent parading around being your country’s official chief executive.

 Me: Erm…well…

Japan: No way. You mean that your Queen is your…

Me: Head of State? Yeah. She meets the Prime Minister every week.

Japan: Every week? What do they talk about?

Me: I don’t know. The weather? Last night’s TV? The England cricket team’s lower middle order batting selection? Gin? Anyway, at least my Prime minister can meet the Queen. You won’t even allow women to ascend the throne and be Empress.  It’s a sexist system.

Japan: Well, so is yours.

Me: No it isn’t.

Japan: What is the full name of your country?

Me: The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.

Japan: Kingdom?

Me: …?

Japan: …

Me: Fuck off. We’re not calling it Queendom.

Japan: Sexist.

Me: Queendom? It sounds a bit gay as well.

Japan: Homophobic.

Me: So what do you think we should do? Copy you? Turn the whole of the British royal family into an extension of the foreign office and the tourist industry, take away any and all executive powers and authority and have no ceremonial, flag-waving, blind nationalism every time one of them dies, marries or reproduces?

Japan: God no! Don’t do that. Who will the rest of the planet get to gawp at then? As long as I can keep my nice, normal, unobtrusive Royal family please go ahead and keep your mad, scatty, headline grabbing, regal morons. It’s great entertainment. And congratulations again, by the way.

Me: …

Japan: …?

Me: Yeah…thanks…


August 2, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized.

One Comment

  1. Anna replied:

    Kingdom and Queendom, my good God, you’re hilarious!

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