Me: Hi Japan. Can we talk about China?

Japan: Can we ever? China? I love complaining about China.

Me: I said “talk about” China not “complain about” China.

Japan: What’s the difference? God i can’t stand that country.

Me: Why do you dislike each other so much?

Japan: Why? Wow, well, where can you begin?

Me: I don’t know. What’s the worst thing about China?

Japan: Well, it’s full of Chinese people for a start.

Me: Isn’t that a bit, well, racist?

Japan: No, it’s an observation. They’re all loud and rude and confident. It’s quite off putting.

Me: Hmm. What else?

Japan: Well they copy everything don’t they?

Me: Do they? What do they copy?

Japan: Oh, all kinds of things, you know, perfume and handbags and clothes and technology and DVDs, all sorts.

Me: So nothing really useful or important?

Japan: Well, er…

Me: Like paper?

Japan: That was-

Me: Or chopsticks?

Japan: But-

Me: Or wet rice farming?

Japan: Hang on-

Me: Or kanji?

Japan: That’s different, that’s, erm, well…What about all the pollution?

Me: It’s everywhere. What about it?

Japan: No, the Chinese air pollution. It mixes with the sandstorms from the Gobi desert and makes Yellow Sand smog. It blows all over North East Asia every spring. It turns the air a yellow grey colour. It’s horrible.

Me: Sound pretty grim.

Japan: Oh yes. Very grim. Full of grimness. People are scared about their health. Sometimes people in Kyushu don’t go outside.

Me: People don’t go outside because of sand storms and pollution from China?

Japan: Exactly.

Me: How long does this last?

Japan: A day or so. Maybe a week at worst.

Me: And do the same people happily smoke cigarettes endlessly or sit in a bar or cafe or restaurant passive smoking themselves to a tumour?

Japan: That’s not the same. That’s, erm, well…

Me: And all this Chinese pollution? Is it a recent thing?

Japan: Oh yes. Their economy is off the scale. They’ve all got cars now.

Me: Cars? Don’t you love cars? Don’t you make those polluting automobiles by the million?

Japan: Yes, no, but…Well, what about all the factories they have? All those Chinese factories that make lots of…stuff.

Me: And who buys this…stuff?

Japan: Well, everybody and, er, yeah, me.

Me: Hmm…

Japan: Look, don’t blame me for my own blind contradictory hatred. It’s all China’s fault. They hate me just as much; apparently it’s got something to do with some kind of atrocities i committed when i invaded them throughout history.

Me: …?

Japan: Shut up smart arse. Let me wallow in my Chinese soup of morally superior self pity and mild-mannered closet xenophobia.

Me: …

Japan: …

Me: OK.


April 2, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized.

One Comment

  1. seahorseviet replied:

    Gosh I love your blog! I can never stop laughing after reading! Keep up the good work! 🙂

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