Television

Me: I was watching some of your TV the other day.

Japan: Excellent. I love TV. What did you watch?

Me: I’m not really sure.

Japan: Why? What were people doing?

Me:  Laughing. There were at least six guests, about half of which were young women who seemed to find it very difficult to get through a sentence without saying the words, “Amazing”, “Really?” or “Cute”. And the other people were men with too much hair, colourful clothing and an inability to sit still. And they were all laughing. Loudly. All the time.

Japan: What did they do?

Me: All sorts of stuff. Quizzes, eating challenges, dance challenges, hidden camera shows, what-happens-next questions, anything really, they seemed to be making it up on the spot. There’s quite a few TV shows like this.

Japan: And what did it look like?

Me: It looked like a rainbow had vomited.

Japan: …?

Me: Seriously. A lot of your TV looks like rainbow vomit. Colours everywhere. Flashing lights and rotating boomerangs on the set and cartoons and coloured subtitles on screen. By the way, is there a reason why you have oversized coloured subtitles on TV? Are you actively targeting the deaf children demographic or something?

Japan: No, it’s just cute and entertaining to read stuff in pink and orange that you can also hear. It’s like listening in Technicolor.

Me: And then as i’m watching all these unfathomable things and colours and sounds and dozens of people laughing and clapping, the show might cut to a clip of something.

Japan: Yeah.

Me: It might be a recent news clip or a montage of people falling over or a police chase or a crime in a foreign country or a woman getting a massage or a comedian eating something, and as i’m watching this clip the people from the rainbow vomit studio will also be watching it.

Japan: Of course.

Me: But i can see them watching it.

Japan: Well, yeah.

Me: In the bottom or top corner of my screen there’ll be a smaller, tiny screen showing me the head shots of the people in the studio and their reactions to the same thing i’m watching.

Japan: What’s wrong with that?

Me: What’s right with that? What’s the point of that? Why am i watching people watching what i’m watching whilst watching TV? Why?

Japan: It’s, well, you know, cute and entertaining to see other people’s reactions. What else have you seen?

Me: Adverts.

Japan: You like adverts?

Me: No, not at all but i don’t have a choice do i? There’s no warning with your advert breaks. It’s as if they attack me in the middle of a TV show.

Japan: Really?

Me: Yeah, my face is under siege from various different lights, colours, sounds or random moving images to the accompaniment of indecipherable music.

Japan: They get your attention then?

Me: They almost give me give me motion sickness.

Japan: What about some nice dramas? I love Korean dramas. Have you seen any of them?

Me: Yeah, unfortunately.

Japan: What do you mean?

Me: Well, it’s all a bit over the top, isn’t it? The actors seem to be in competition with each other. Which old man can sound the most deep and meaningful? Which young man can look the most anguished? Which woman can scream, cry or laugh the most hysterically? And which actor or actress has the most unrealistic amount of hair? Or make up? Or both?

Japan: Don’t you think they’re, you know, cute and entertaining?

Me: Not really. But i once tired to play a drinking game with a Korean drama.

Japan: How do you play?

Me: Have one shot of something if a woman screams, a man is angry or anybody has an accident. Drink two shots of something if there’s a man sitting or lying down somewhere looking frustrated or forlorn, a woman looking smug, a flash back or anybody crying. Drink half the bottle if there’s a fight, a death, a complaining child, a funeral or a wedding.

Japan: Sounds fun.

Me: After about half an hour i was having an argument with a door.

Japan: I get the feeling you’re not really enjoying my televisual offerings. Is there anything you’ve watched that you actually liked?

Me: Binocular football?

Japan: That’s a bit old but it is a classic.

Me: Takeshi’s Castle?

Japan: Why do you foreign people like that so much?

Me: Not sure. How about Shunske Nakamura attempting to kick a football through the window of a moving bus?

Japan: Lovely. There you go. Nice, innocent fun. What’s wrong with watching a bit of TV?

Me: Dunno. Ask  The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprosy.

Japan: Who?

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March 18, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.