Me: Your trains are mad aren’t they?

Japan: My trains?

Me: Yeah, your trains are mad.

Japan: Mad? I’ve never heard them being called mad.

Me: How many have you got?

Japan: I don’t know.

Me: What do you mean you don’t know?

Japan: I’m not sure. How can i know how many trains i’ve got? There’re so many. All those different companies and tracks and rolling stock; limited express, commuter express, airport express, special express, bullet trains, local trains, private companies, public companies. It’s impossible.

Me: And they all seem to work.

Japan: Why would they not work?

Me: Because there’d be a problem with the track or –

Japan: Why would there be a problem with the track?

Me: Because the rail company didn’t do its maintenance to a proper level or –

Japan: Why wouldn’t they do proper maintenance?

Me: Because they don’t care that much or don’t do their job properly or somebody steals a load of copper cable or –

Japan: That all sounds a bit far fetched to me.

Me: And they’re clean.

Japan: Why wouldn’t they be clean? They’re used by millions of members of the general public.

Me: They wouldn’t be clean because they’re used by millions of members of the general public.

Japan: …

Me: You know? Drunk men vomiting and people graffitiing and litter flying around and random vandalism. On a train. No?

Japan: You’ve lost me.

Me: And they’re almost always on time.

Japan: Again, why wouldn’t that be the case?

Me: Because a driver might not do their job properly or –

Japan: I’ve told you before about doing work.

Me: Or the train breaks down.

Japan: I’ve never heard of that before.

Me: Or when there’s a rainstorm that floods the tracks.

Japan: Ah yeah, I do hate that.

Me: Or there’s an earthquake.

Japan: Don’t go there again. I’ve told you, i don’t like that.

Me: Or if somebody commits suicide and jumps in front of one as it enters a station. That seems to happen quite a bit. What’s going on there?

Japan: Erm, can we get back to the fun stuff and the compliments please?

Me: And what about the sexual assaults?

Japan: The, erm…?

Me: The sexual assaults. So all these trains zoom around the cities and everybody seems nice to each other and everything but they’ve got a carriage for women during morning rush hour.

Japan: …

Me: Because women get groped on the train.

Japan: Er…My clean efficient trains?

Me: Yeah full of men that grope. So instead of trying to change any social behaviour you just herd the women into one carriage before 9am in an attempt to keep them away from the perverts?

Japan: Fast trains…No graffiti…Very popular.

Me: Yeah, really busy. Lots of people use them.

Japan: That’s right.

Me: Too many.

Japan: No, what?

Me: You’ve got to employ people to push and squeeze commuters on to the train in the mornings. Biscuits in unopened packets have more room. There’s no way that’s comfortable.

Japan: Well –

Me: Especially if somebody is grabbing your tits.

Japan: Can we not –

Me: Or your arse.

Japan: This was going so well. Why did you have to bring up all the bad stuff?

Me: Because it’s well, what’s the word, a bit, you know, “mad”?

Japan: …

Me: …

Japan: I hate you.


November 7, 2012. Tags: , , . Uncategorized.

One Comment

  1. Jake replied:

    “what could go wrong?”

    Obviously there could be the wrong type of snow or leaves on the tracks

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