Me: Japan? What’s going on with your toilets?

Japan: Nothing. Why?

Me: Well, they’re a little bit odd, aren’t they?

Japan: No. There’s nothing odd about toilets.

Me: But yours seem to be at extremes. They’re either squat, hole in the ground style or heated seat, electrically controlled, arse washing, automated flushing style.

Japan: What?

Me: Seriously, when it comes to you and toilets it’s like the 20th century never actually happened. I’m either shitting into the floor or shitting into the future. What’s going on?

Japan: I upgraded quickly. I was making a packet at the back end of the 20th century. I didn’t really get round to updating all of them so sometimes you still have to squat. Anyway, i like the fancy electronic toilet seats. They’re very convenient and helpful.

Me: True. Although, perhaps it’s a bit over the top to have a toilet that has a built in bidet with adjustable water power and temperature and infrared touch sensitive detectors so it knows when you’re sitting on it and when you’re standing in front of it. And why do the fancy ones have a setting that plays a waterfall sound track? Is it to help me piss?

Japan: Sure but mainly to hide the noise.

Me: The noise?

Japan: Yeah. The noise of you, doing, you know…

Me: Why do you have sound effects to hide the sound of somebody going to the toilet?

Japan: Because they might be embarrassed.

Me: Who?

Japan: You. Them. Everybody.

Me: But you’re in a toilet. Why is it embarrassing to make any noise that sounds like exactly what it is that you are actually doing? And then why would you possibly hide it with the sound of a waterfall? That’s a seriously advanced level of embarrassment avoidance.

Japan: So, you’re not embarrassed when you, you know, go for a… you know?

Me: Well, not if i’m on the toilet, no. If i was waiting for a train and it all of sudden happened then, yeah, that would be a touch uncomfortable.

Japan: …

Me: What?

Japan: Look, electric heated toilet seats with built-in adjustable bidets and sound effects can’t be a new experience for you, can they?

Me: Yes. Yes, they can.

Japan: So, what, your country doesn’t have them?

Me: Nope. Just regular 20th century sit-down manual flush lavatories.

Japan: Ha! Call yourself a developed country, England?

Me: Actually, you’re pretty much the only country that i’ve been to that seems to have them almost everywhere.

Japan: Ha! Call yourself a developed planet? Everybody, gaze upon my futuristic toilets-

Me: And the squat holes in the floor that you haven’t upgraded yet because-

Japan: Shush! And envy my people and their daily bathroom experiences. Wonder at my unique toilet seat system and my technological ingenuity in the face of an unprecedented amount of… of….

Me: Shit?

Japan: …

Me: What?

Japan: You disgust me.


July 23, 2012. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized.

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