Me: Japan? What’s going on with your toilets?

Japan: Nothing. Why?

Me: Well, they’re a little bit odd, aren’t they?

Japan: No. There’s nothing odd about toilets.

Me: But yours seem to be at extremes. They’re either squat, hole in the ground style or heated seat, electrically controlled, arse washing, automated flushing style.

Japan: What?

Me: Seriously, when it comes to you and toilets it’s like the 20th century never actually happened. I’m either shitting into the floor or shitting into the future. What’s going on?

Japan: I upgraded quickly. I was making a packet at the back end of the 20th century. I didn’t really get round to updating all of them so sometimes you still have to squat. Anyway, i like the fancy electronic toilet seats. They’re very convenient and helpful.

Me: True. Although, perhaps it’s a bit over the top to have a toilet that has a built in bidet with adjustable water power and temperature and infrared touch sensitive detectors so it knows when you’re sitting on it and when you’re standing in front of it. And why do the fancy ones have a setting that plays a waterfall sound track? Is it to help me piss?

Japan: Sure but mainly to hide the noise.

Me: The noise?

Japan: Yeah. The noise of you, doing, you know…

Me: Why do you have sound effects to hide the sound of somebody going to the toilet?

Japan: Because they might be embarrassed.

Me: Who?

Japan: You. Them. Everybody.

Me: But you’re in a toilet. Why is it embarrassing to make any noise that sounds like exactly what it is that you are actually doing? And then why would you possibly hide it with the sound of a waterfall? That’s a seriously advanced level of embarrassment avoidance.

Japan: So, you’re not embarrassed when you, you know, go for a… you know?

Me: Well, not if i’m on the toilet, no. If i was waiting for a train and it all of sudden happened then, yeah, that would be a touch uncomfortable.

Japan: …

Me: What?

Japan: Look, electric heated toilet seats with built-in adjustable bidets and sound effects can’t be a new experience for you, can they?

Me: Yes. Yes, they can.

Japan: So, what, your country doesn’t have them?

Me: Nope. Just regular 20th century sit-down manual flush lavatories.

Japan: Ha! Call yourself a developed country, England?

Me: Actually, you’re pretty much the only country that i’ve been to that seems to have them almost everywhere.

Japan: Ha! Call yourself a developed planet? Everybody, gaze upon my futuristic toilets-

Me: And the squat holes in the floor that you haven’t upgraded yet because-

Japan: Shush! And envy my people and their daily bathroom experiences. Wonder at my unique toilet seat system and my technological ingenuity in the face of an unprecedented amount of… of….

Me: Shit?

Japan: …

Me: What?

Japan: You disgust me.


July 23, 2012. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.


Me: You really like new things don’t you?

Japan: I love new things. All new things are great.

Me: All new things?

Japan: Yeah, pretty much anything new is good.

Me: I was in a supermarket a while ago and they opened a new part of the supermarket that sold doughnuts.

Japan: New doughnuts! Sounds great. Did you buy some?

Me: No.

Japan: Why not? It was a new shop.

Me: But there was a massive queue. People were buying doughnuts like they’d never seen them before. It was like watching that documentary about people eating bananas for the first time. It was madness. I couldn’t be bothered. There was a bakery over the road that sold doughnuts. I went there instead.

Japan: What!? Why would you do that?

Me: There wasn’t a queue at the nice old bakery. And that bakery only became the old bakery when the supermarket opened a newer one.

Japan: But the doughnuts at the old place weren’t new. New! You need the new stuff. New!

Me: What’s so good about new stuff?

Japan: New stuff is great because it’s not old.

Me: So, old is bad?

Japan: Yeah.

Me: Why?

Japan: Because it’s not new.

Me: Why is new better?

Japan: Because it’s not old.

Me: But how do you know that the new stuff is better than the old stuff.

Japan: Because old stuff is worse that new stuff.

Me: Why is the old stuff worse?

Japan: Because it’s not new.

Me: But how do you know…forget it. You’re obsessed with buying, building, creating, eating, consuming and breathing something, anything, everything new.

Japan: You say it like there’s something wrong with it.

Me: Well, it’s a bit wasteful, isn’t it?

Japan: Yeah but waste is old. You’ve got to get rid of it. New is the future. And they make new stuff all the time so you’ve got to replace your old stuff.

Me: Why?

Japan: Because the new stuff will be better.

Me: How do you know?

Japan: Because new is better than old. I’ve told you this already. Are you not listening?

Me: Yes but i don’t-

Japan: I’m getting bored. This conversation’s getting old already.

Me: But-

Japan: In fact all these conversations on this blog are getting old. It’s been going for six months now. Can’t you think of something new?

Me: Well, erm…

Japan: …

Me: …

Japan: …

Me: Would you like a doughnut?

Japan: Are they from the new place?

Me: Er, yes?

Japan: OK.

July 4, 2012. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.