Bicycles

Me: Hi Japan. Can we do a quiz about bicycles?

Japan: Sure. Go for it quiz master.

Me: Great. On a scale of one to ten, how much do you like bicycles?

Japan: Fifteen.

Me: Correct. How many bicycles do you have? Twelve thousand, twelve million or one hundred and twelve million?

Japan: Yes.

Me: Correct. What piece of cycling advice does the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department issue?

Japan: For people to cycle on the road and not on the pavement.

Me: Correct. And what piece of cycling advice does the Tokyo Metropolitan Government issue?

Japan: For people to cycle on the pavement and not on the road.

Me: Correct. What the fuck is going on?

Japan: I don’t know.

Me: Correct. Is it legal or illegal to ride a bicycle while holding an umbrella?

Japan: Illegal.

Me: Correct. Is it legal or illegal to ride a bicycle while using a mobile phone?

Japan: Illegal.

Me: Correct. Is it legal or illegal to ride a bicycle while under the influence of alcohol?

Japan: Illegal.

Me: Correct. Are people ever cautioned for these infringements?

Japan: No, not really.

Me: Correct. Why not?

Japan: Because i’ve got tens of millions of people using bicycles all day, every day, all the time, everywhere. It’s almost unpoliceable.

Me: Correct. Can i park my bicycle anywhere?

Japan: No. Only in designated parking zones or bicycle parks.

Me: Correct. And what happens if i park my bicycle outside a designated parking zone or bicycle park?

Japan: Your bicycle will get a little ticket put on it by the authorities asking you politely to move it somewhere else and if you don’t it may eventually get taken away on a truck with all the other naughty bicycles.

Me: Correct. And how often does that happen?

Japan: I don’t know. It seems completely random.

Me: Correct. Why?

Japan: Because i’ve got tens of millions of people using bicycles all day, every day, all the time. People park them anywhere they like. I don’t blame them. It’s unfathomable.

Me: Correct. Who steals bicycles?

Japan: Nobody. They’re not stolen. They’re just relocated.

Me: Correct. And where are they relocated to?

Japan: Normally outside a drunk businessman’s apartment late at night because he can’t be arsed walking home. Or to China.

Me: Correct. And what can be done about the small yet significant amount of relocation of bicycles?

Japan: Nothing.

Me: Correct. Why not?

Japan: Well, i’ve already told you haven’t i? It’s because i’ve got tens of millions of people using bicycles all the time, every day, everywhere. It’s wonderfully mind boggling.

Me: Correct. And that’s the end of the quiz. Well done. You’ve won a unicycle.

Japan: A what? Why?

Me: They seem to be increasingly popular amongst your young children. I see kids all the time falling off them in the parks. It’s quiet amusing.

Japan: Isn’t that illegal?

Me: No.

Japan: Hmm. I’ll have to look into that.

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May 6, 2012. Uncategorized.

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